A Research Essay by Ajaita Saini

“Sorry” has probably become one of the most common words in my dictionary. Despite the fact that I cringe every time I hear this word, I find myself saying it over and over again. The word has become a replacement for transitions in conversations, where we start off sentences with “sorry, but…” and it seems like it’s become an accepted way for girls to speak (and supposedly how we should speak). It’s habit to apologize after we say something too, like it doesn’t matter what we were saying, just the fact that we’re profusely apologizing should make up for hearing our voices.

I once apologized to a teacher because he submitted a blatantly incorrect grade in my report card. Obviously, it was a mistake on his part and not mine, and yet I was the one who ended up apologizing. Did I need to say sorry? Absolutely not. Yet it felt like it was my responsibility and be “courteous.”

Recently, a Pantene ad questioned why women say sorry more often than men. The ad showed many examples of women who say sorry, including when opening doors, speaking at the same time as her male friend, handing her husband a child, and even when a man knocks her elbow off an armrest.

Wondering how truthful the ad was, I decided to try counting how many times I said sorry the next day. At first, it didn’t seem like I would utter the word that often—I assumed that I would be able to control my impulse. But I realized that I was practically saying sorry every few seconds, whether it be when I raised my hand, asked for help, or when someone else bumped into me in the hall. And each time I said sorry, I felt like I was subconsciously training my brain to make the same mistake again. Eventually, I realized that I kept saying sorry because I was self conscious if I didn’t. I felt like a bad person by not doing so.

It’s frustrating hearing yourself make the same mistake over and over again, but not doing anything about it because it’s considered “polite.” Part of the reason women apologize more than men is because we’re expected to keep our opinions and identities as humble as possible. That two syllable word ends up detracting from the rest of what we’re saying, making it sound less valuable. Girls are accepted when we conform and defer, especially to men. Many times if we approach a situation in a different manner than is expected, not apologizing makes it seem like we’re rude, stupid, and moreover, bossy. Saying sorry acts as a way to disarm people before sharing our thoughts. It softens and blurs our statements, and we use it to justify an action, even one as simple as asking a question.

As idealistic as it sounds, the only way to stop this epidemic of “sorries” is by being confident in what you’re saying and understanding that your opinion is as equally valid as anyone else’s. Expressing your opinions and feelings isn’t wrong in any way, and absolutely nothing to apologize for. You don’t need to say sorry for every encounter you have with another human being.

Try counting how many times you say sorry in a day. It may surprise you, but chances are majority of the time the apology has no significance to the context. You won’t be bossy if you don’t say sorry. You won’t be considered rude, vain, or obnoxious. And even if it may feel that way at first, you’ll end off being more confident and more happy with who you are by eradicating this one word from your daily interactions.

Apologize if you mess up. But don’t apologize for having a voice.