Disclaimer: this article will ask what you are doing this summer.

When did “what are you doing this summer” become a daunting question? One that no longer implies “what are you doing to rest between semesters (or quarters)” but rather “where are you going to be working?”

“What are you doing this summer” has become a question loaded with the potential for judgement. And as the years progress, the question becomes more and more stress-inducing.

So as a junior, I’m feeling the heat.

As I was submitting my most recent summer job application, a wave of exhaustion washed over me: why have I chosen to sacrifice my life and mental sanctity to finding the perfect, most impressive summer job out there?

There are a few layers to this thought, the first being that I still feel like I am stumbling around in the dark when it comes to knowing what I am doing with my life and what I want to do with my life. The second, and perhaps more compelling thought, is that even if I do find something that I’m passionate about, who’s to say I am even qualified? Maybe there are a million people out there who love the same internships that I love and maybe they’re in more clubs or participate in more extracurriculars or set the curve in all of their classes. What makes me more qualified than them? As I scroll through a seemingly endless sea of summer job opportunities, I constantly compare myself to hypothetical people I don’t even know exist and subsequently begin chipping away at my own worth because of it.

I have written before about the crippling feeling of confusion, but not so much about the fear of inadequacy. Sure, I’m pursuing a degree in a subject I love, but is that enough? And sure, I’m going to college in the first place, but is that enough?

The fear of inadequacy can lead you to lose faith in yourself. The process of finding an internship only exacerbates this issue; being rejected from internships you wanted? Talk damaging your spirit.

And as I face rejections from internships I know I would have loved and exceled at, I find it hard to remain positive and push away discouragement. I am a person who love fiercely; I am passionate and tenacious. I am a person who would have loved to write for that one company or do coffee runs for another. I know I am willing to work hard, and I know I am willing to learn, but as I face “no” so many times, I find it hard to continue telling myself “yes.”

So, every once in a while, I have to remind myself how I’ve made it this far. I have been rejected a million times before, and I will probably be rejected a million times again. And that’s okay. Standing here today before you is a woman who has constantly had to say “yes” to herself. I’m standing on my own two feet because for every “no” I have received, there have been a million “yeses” from myself and from the people I love. I keep applying and subjecting myself to stress for the sake of the “perfect” internship because I believe in myself.

And every time my belief in myself stalls, the people I love have been there to remind me that I am enough, and I have always been enough. I have already come so far, so why stop now?

I know, though, that the process of job hunting is more complicated than that. There’s the simple fact that there are tons of other intelligent, well-qualified people applying for the same positions as well as the fact that finding a job is a lot harder than just saying “yes” to yourself.

But you have to start somewhere, right? And affirming yourself and your capabilities sounds like the best place to begin.

By Bella Townsend

UC Berkeley student, poetry enthusiast and firm believer in Taco Tuesday