7 Days of the Perfect Apocalypse
According to Christianity, God created the world in 7 days. We destroyed it in another 7 days.
This is not a happy article. Do not read if you already live in fear of the world ending.
BREAKING NEWS
Day 1: “The Age of School Shootings: Deadly Shootings in High Schools Across 12 States” (1)
Parents are advised to keep their children at home as we have seen a concerning increase in school shootings around the country. There have been multiple school shootings in the past week alone in at least 20 states. Every shooter has committed suicide after terrorizing the school community.
Few schools remain open. We strongly discourage sending your child to school. We cannot protect them.
Day 2: “Controversial Leaders Around the World Fail Time and Time Again” (2)
President Dump, President Tutin, and Supreme Leader Kourtney Jong-Un met to discuss looming threats to their countries. Their meeting ends in tears and tantrums as three of the world powerhouses failed to address the pressing global problems. Other world leaders’ invitations to the meeting were “lost in the mail.” In his official statement, Prime Minister Justin Trubae warns that doom is near.
On Monday, Supreme Leader Kourtney Jong-Un “accidentally” dropped a small bomb on Costa Rica. Hundreds of endangered species were killed, adding multiple essential species to the extinction list. In retaliation, the Costa Ricans and their allies refused trade to the continent of Asia. Consequently, global trade has come to a halt. With resources dwindling around the world, the end of global trade has led to increased inter-country conflict as people are fighting for fuel and food.
Day 3: “Climate Change Leaves Cities uninhabitable, Mass Migration Ensues: Human Race Faces New Status as Refugees” (3)
The world is experiencing a mass migration from cities to suburbs as the air quality in city centers have become especially toxic. An emergency meeting has been called to bring the world’s brightest minds together to develop a plan. In the meantime, uncontrollable fires ravage beautiful landscapes, destroying homes and resources, and leaving hundreds of thousands dead in its path.
For decades, we have fought against continual refugee crises globally, and today the we face the biggest refugee crisis to date. The entire human race is the latest population to gain refugee status.
Day 4: “The Last Crash: World Markets Crash After Unresolved Financial Crisis” (4)
This morning, people around the world woke up to another grave announcement. Mass migration, global instability, and natural disasters have created panic, and in a chain reaction markets have begun to crash in a domino effect. The first market crash occurred in the United States, then soon after the United Kingdom, followed by China. A new market has collapsed almost every hour.
People are flocking to their nearest banks, and an estimated of two hundred fatal riots have broken out across the US. Similar incidents have been seen in the U.K. and China. Rioters are looting banks, breaking glass, and leaving bodies strewn across the streets. Others are preparing for the worst in their homes. The Purge movie series may become a reality.
Top analysts are forecasting that the global economy may never recover.
Day 5: “World War III: Man vs. Machine” (5)
The culprit behind the crash of the world market has been identified. We now face a new enemy: machines. Their superiority is evident through their power to control crucial elements of the order of life throughout the world. We are now experiencing tragic mass murders by machines as planes, cars, trains, and other modes of transportations have gone rogue. There have been 100 plane crashes in the past hour, each crashing into monumental buildings around the world, creating utter chaos. According to the broken messages we’ve received from the plane black boxes, pilots are fighting for control and attempting to emergency land and/or evacuate before takeoff, but the internal technology of the planes seem to have taken on minds of their own, locking in passengers, pilots, and flight crew.
“We are in a mass metal coffin,” one late pilot said before we lost connection.
Day 6: “Viral Disease Wipes Out Those Unaffected by War” (6)
The War has taken millions of lives within 24-hours. In addition, a new virus has broken out. Initially, victims showed no symptoms before dropping dead. It was thought to be a gas attack, but later discovered as an unknown virus that silently and swiftly kills its victims. There is currently no known place of origin. Now it appears that the virus has grown crueler. In its current form, the virus shows itself through a purple rash the appears on the body. As the rash spreads, so does the virus, slowly killing the host body. The body does not seem to be in pain, but toward the end victims become mute, blind, and immobile. The virus seems to slowly shut down the human body. Currently, those affected only have a few hours to live. Humans are now resistant to every antibiotic that could slow the spread of the virus. Surviving scientists and doctors have not found a cure or a cause of transmission. We have recently learned that there is one drug that could work, but the drug’s hefty price tag allows only the wealthy elite access. Streets are now covered in bodies, forcing those who have survived thus far to retreat into whatever abandoned, make-shift shelter they can find. This is only the last aggravation between the rich and poor, who have seen violence as a result of limited resources and money.
Day 7: “Infertility Due to Coat Hanger Abortions Threaten Our Ability to Repopulate the World” (7)
The number of healthy humans is rapidly dwindling. The War and viruses have slowed but leave devastation in their wake. The world has not experienced the need to repopulate as we do today in thousands of years, and, while superficially counterintuitive, the repercussions of illegalized abortion have proved even more detrimental to this need. When Roe vs. Wade was overturned, desperate women resorted to coat hanger abortions. This killed thousands of women and left many more infertile. Many women were driven to abortion in the initial stages of the virus and The War as it was deemed to worst time to bring a child into this world. Now, we must give birth if we are to rebuild our society but we have already destroyed our ability to do so. Our women are dying. And so is society. God Bless America.
We have created the end of the world. Those of you who are out there, we must try and rebuild. We are responsible for our own downfall, and we must also be responsible for our recovery.
By Arden Schraff
Duke Student, mental health activist and resident goddess making Insta casual.
1. “Teaching in the Age of School Shootings.” New York Times. September 5, 2018;
“California Shooting Kills 12 at Country Music Bar, a Year After Las Vegas.” New York Times. November 12, 2018
2. “Donald Trump Fails, Again.” New York Times. November 19, 2018; “Scientists Warn New Brazil President May Smother Rainforest.” New York Times. November 26, 2018
3. “A Dire Warning on Climate Change.” New York Times. October 9, 2018; “California’s Fires Wrecked Air Quality: How to Protect Yourself.” New York Times. November 17, 2018; “The Five Conflicts Driving the Bulk of the Refugee Crisis.” New York Times. June 6, 2018; “Study Warns of Cascading Health Risks from the Changing Climate.” New York Times. November 28, 2018.
4. “Inviting the Next Financial Crisis.” New York Times. August 25, 2018
5. “Theory of a fatal tug-of-war between the pilots and the Boeing 737’s new automatic anti-stall system.” New York Times. November 27, 2018
6. “Yellow Fever Circles Brazil’s Huge Cities.” New York Times. March 5, 2018
7. “Abortion Pills Aren’t Enough to Keep Coat Hangers in the Closet.” New York Times. November 25, 2018; “What Happens When Abortion is Banned.” New York Times. May 31, 2018