A Chance to Catch My Breath

Life in college is a balancing act.

As a rising junior, I rarely have time to breathe and enjoy a quiet moment with my thoughts. It seems that there’s always something else, whether it be school, work, or friends, that pushes my mental health to the back burner. At this point, I’ve grown accustomed to living my life at such a rapid pace. In fact, I tend to feel the most accomplished when I somehow manage to tick off all the boxes on my miles long to-do list.

But then, suddenly, this balancing act came to a screeching halt. And without anything to keep me busy, I felt, quite honestly, useless.

As college students, it’s all too easy to neglect our mental health for the sake of our GPAs or social lives. Our time in college has turned into four years of burning ourselves out until we survive each semester. After that, our summer and winter breaks consist of securing an internship or taking online classes to fill the empty space. We can’t sit still.

A close friend of mine, for example, is a nursing student. She’s embraced a life without much free time and has become accustomed to pulling all-nighters at least a few times a week to stay ahead. When quarantine hit, she, like many others, had absolutely no idea what to do with herself. All of the time she had previously spent secluding herself in the library for hours on end suddenly turned into days spent in her room, holed up under the covers, searching for the motivation to finish her online assignments.

Similarly, while I’d gotten so comfortable living this non-stop life during college, I’d forgotten what it was like to take a breath and relax. It felt unnatural to do so. My reflex in these uncertain moments, much like my friend’s, was to isolate myself from the rest of the world, wrap myself in the safety of my comforter, and wait for the time to pass.

With no deadlines to reach and no gratification for the hard work I put into my online classes, I felt as if I’d lost my purpose. Like I mentioned before, college students tend to burn themselves out to the point where many of us feel the same surge of guilt when we’re left without any big tasks. We’re pressured to feel as though each moment should be optimized for efficiency, and when we’re forced to let go of this mentality, it can evoke feelings of intense shame.

I found myself falling deep into an emotional rut where I felt useless and ashamed, and I attempted to combat these thoughts by dedicating all of my energy into school and being my most “productive” self. I held onto the emotionally unsustainable habits I thrived on at school. I neglected my physical health by not sleeping enough and skipping meals. I took out my frustrations and anxieties on my family and friends and progressively isolated myself from others.

My anxiety was the worst it’s ever been. The immense pressure I continued to put on myself —even during the midst of a pandemic— forced me into a dark corner where I felt entirely alone. But it wasn’t until there weren’t any surrounding distractions that I became fully aware of the state of my deteriorating mental health. I gradually realized that I needed to reevaluate my priorities and work through the anxiety I managed to internalize as a necessary part of the college experience. And it seemed like quarantine was the perfect place to begin.

I focused on three small ways to stay grounded during these anxiety-ridden times.

The first was yoga. I found Yoga with Adriene on YouTube and she’s quickly become my new best friend. I try to wake up early and watch one of her videos each morning, and when I get the chance to do so, I feel so much more relaxed and prepared for the day. Having the time to prioritize the health of my mind and body has been such a positive experience, and each morning I now have something to look forward to.

I’ve also been hiking quite a bit. Spending time in nature has helped me find peace away from technology, and it’s also been a great way to get myself moving. It’s become a tool to ease my anxiety, and these few hours of calm have showed me the benefits of putting work and school aside and reconnecting with myself. One of the most valuable lessons I’ve learned from quarantine is the importance of emotional sustainability. As much as productivity is important, especially in school, it’s equally important to implement healthy habits that prevent burnout.

I put so much pressure on myself to be “perfect” and function as if nothing is wrong, and I’ve found that allowing myself a day or two to shut down and step away from work or the news has been crucial for my mental health. Having these days every so often feels like a reset, especially when I’m giving myself the opportunity to step away from the constant barrage of negativity on the news and social media. It feels great to take a break and simply watch Netflix or read a book without zeroing in on what’s going on around me.

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to prioritize my mental health. It may have taken a pandemic for me to realize I was pushing myself too hard, but regardless, I’m grateful for the opportunity to utilize this time to develop healthier habits and extend myself grace and understanding. The new tools I’ve adapted into my routine have taught me how to better take care of myself emotionally, which is much more important than I had previously realized.

When I follow my routine, I begin each day feeling grounded. I’ve begun celebrating smaller parts of life I brushed over at school, like moments with friends and family or enjoying a new movie that’s released on Netflix. I’ve practiced appreciating the areas of my life that don’t revolve around how productive I can be or what I can pack into my day.

My balancing act has become less of a struggle, and I’ve realized that taking care of my mental health is the key to the better balance I’ve been searching for.

By Madelyn Fink

Journalism major, avid baker, lover of yoga, and very dedicated plant mom.