Care Amidst Craziness

Yesterday I baked a cake.

Today I showered.

I came across a post on Instagram that said: “it’s a pandemic, not a productivity contest.” That’s why we celebrate the little victories; although, I would argue baking a cake would be a large accomplishment because that was quite the undertaking. But, regardless, right now we just celebrate the little victories. Like the fact that I’m finally writing this. Or, the fact that you called a friend, or maybe just the fact that today you felt at peace.

Things are not ok right now, things are not fine (as everyone knows), and it’s ok that you’re not ok right now either. Regardless of your circumstance, regardless if you would be considered “lucky” because of your home life or your health, etc., it’s ok to not be ok.

You don’t have to have had a pre-existing mental health condition to feel “legitimate” in whatever state of mind you’re in right now. I say all of this, reassuring you, because I know how it feels to not feel justified in your emotions. You say to yourself: “I shouldn’t be feeling this way, I’m lucky, I’m one of the lucky ones.” Maybe you are, but regardless, I’ll say it again: it’s ok to not be ok right now.

I’m sure everyone’s seen a lot of lists and suggestions about what you can be doing to take care of yourself. To stay afloat amidst the constant waves of emotion crashing in your mind: smashing into your face, one after another, knocking the air out of you. I got carried away with the imagery, I digress. There’s a lot on social media about taking advantage of this time and finally doing things you’ve kept for another day, and it can be frustrating.

Sometimes, I just want everyone to acknowledge that this situation sucks. Our lives have been put on hold and the unknown is scary. I’m supposed to be at school. I’m supposed to be with my friends. I’m supposed to be concentrated on school. I’m supposed to be finding a job. And now that that’s all taken away, I’m supposed to be making the best of it. And I get that, you don’t want to be negative, you want to find the silver lining.

But, at the same time, I think it’s ok that one of my biggest accomplishments of the day is that I changed out of my pajamas, which I have been chronicling in order to motivate me to get up and dressed for the day.

Anyway, I’m not here to tell you what to do or try to drown you in negativity or optimism. I guess I’m just here, writing that I too am struggling. I’m healthy, I’m home, I’m lucky, but I’m also struggling.

Sometimes when I start to feel the emotions bubbling up, anxiety, general sadness, fear, etc. and I just let it out. I’m not in public spaces like the library anymore, so I just let the tears flow (although, I would argue that it is always acceptable to cry, even in public spaces, but that is not for everyone). I always feel better after I cry, even when I recognize I’m crying over something stupid.

The other day I watched JoJo Rabbit with my family and as the credits rolled the quote from poet Rainer Maria Rilke popped up:

“Let everything happen to you: beauty and terror. Just keep going. No feeling is final.”

I will say, in case you haven’t watched the movie, the movie is a comedy about a little boy in Nazi Germany. Obviously, these are very different situations, but the quote applies. There has always been struggle, hardship, times in our lives and in the greater life of world in general where bad things happen. But everything will always pass.

I have to keep reminding myself of this. That one day we’ll be back with friends and strangers and bump shoulders. Just keep going. The most important thing is to care for yourself (mentally and physical), and then care for those around you.

Acknowledge the little things. It’s the little victories.

I got out of bed today.

Words & Photography by Arden Schraff

Duke Student, mental health activist and resident goddess making Insta casual.