The Feminist Dilemma

A couple of weeks ago, I found myself in a real-life feminist dilemma.

As my bartending shift neared its end, some of my guy friends came in for a drink. So, once I punched out, I sat with them on the other side of the bar. The only other customers were two visibly intoxicated men in their mid-twenties, with whom I had no desire to interact.

I enjoyed my friends’ company for about half an hour until suddenly, I was accosted by Tweedle-dee, one of the aforementioned drunk strangers, as Tweedle-dum watched from the sidelines.

He asked me to dance – “It’s a really good song!” – and I declined –

“Sorry, no thanks.” This went back and forth for about two full minutes as his spittle sprayed my face.

He begged – “Please, please.” – and pleaded – “I’m a really good dancer!” – as my responses grew colder and more forceful – “No. I don’t want to.” He refused to let up.

Finally, he asked the question young women know all too well, demonstrating his incredulity at rejection, “Do you have a boyfriend?”

I was tired of saying no and of being drenched in saliva. I just wanted to get back to my friends.

“Yes,” I replied, exasperated.

I felt like I’d failed as a feminist. I’d validated the sexist notion that women are property, and that our rejections are only valid in defense of another man’s ownership. I have no owner. I am not a proxy. I am the only one in charge here!

He replied, “Oh, now I understand.” In that moment, all my self-flagellation turned outward.

“That’s not why! I’m just not interested! I don’t want to!” Each exclamation fell quieter than the last as I watched him walk away.

Dejected, I turned back to my friends. I quickly realized no one had noticed my distressing interaction. I was relieved at not having caused a scene as the only girl in the group – but then I criticized myself for remaining composed while being harassed. Nevertheless, I returned to the conversation and had a great rest of the night.

I was compelled to share this story because it happens all the time. Only this story, unlike many countless others, had low stakes. I wasn’t scared for my physical safety because I was surrounded by a dozen guy friends and acquaintances in a familiar place – I wasn’t on my own or with one other girlfriend. I wasn’t scared about the consequences of offending this man – he wasn’t in my social circle or workplace.

Yet, I still bowed to him, his ego, and the patriarchy.

Upon further reflection, however, I don’t regret it, and neither should you.

If you feel unsafe, it’s okay to use your (real or made-up) boyfriend to protect yourself. If hurting a man’s fragile ego might ruin your reputation at school or work, it’s okay to let him think you’re spoken for. And yes, even if a guy is just harshing your vibe, it’s still okay to concede a point or two to the man.

Being a “good” feminist doesn’t mean being responsible for the education of every worthless cretin who refuses to acknowledge that “no” means “no.”

The men who feel entitled to your time are the precisely the ones who do not deserve it. There’s no shame in denying them ‘their’ time no matter how you go about it because in doing so, you’re preserving your own.

As women, we’re trained to feel like we owe something to everyone.

We ‘owe’ it to peers in class or co-workers in a meeting to qualify or apologize for every statement we make. We preface with “I don’t know if this is right, but...” or “Sorry, but...”

We ‘owe’ it to men on the street to smile, and to our suitors or significant others, sex on demand.

We ‘owe’ it to the world to be presentable, to be friendly, and to not “make a big deal” about anything.

But we don’t. We don’t owe anyone those things. We should be conscious of them, and work against them when we feel so inclined. But if it will make your life easier, then it’s okay to meet those ‘obligations’ once in a while.

You can let the patriarchy win sometimes, and still hold onto your fighting spirit, as long as you keep one thing sacred, above all else, unfettered by anyone else’s expectations: your inner peace.

By Jade Pinero

Cornell Student, columnist at Cornell Daily Sun, political activist and queen of curating playlists.