Fairies, Free Cruises, and Other Myths

The following is a list of imaginary things – foolish ideas and common misconceptions compiled by yours truly. The point of this list? Honestly, it started as a mission to write about fairies and then it all spiraled out of control. Sprinkle in a little political commentary, opinion, fantasy and reality and you’ve got whatever this is.

1. An unsolicited, small window popping up on your computer screen, with big red letters blinking at you, yelling: “FREE ALL-INCLUSIVE CRUISE!” It’s your lucky day! How many viruses did your computer just get?

2. A ruggedly handsome boy with a dark side you can “fix” after he falls in love with you (do not attempt at home; let the professionals and his mom deal with that).

3. The Loch Ness monster lives at the bottom of a secluded lake in Upstate New York and I swam into it while my eyes were closed (it may have been a large fish, may have been a monster. Who’s to say…it was murky).

4. The boy next door who watches you sleep isn’t creepy (even Edward Cullen watching Bella sleep was creepy, you were just distracted by his sparkles).

5. You can lose weight by napping, walking to class, and eating whatever you want (the miracles of science have unfortunately not found the answer to this yet, but if you do, give me a call).

6. [Insert name here] is perfect and has no flaws (nope! You just don’t know the person well enough).

7. Fairies live among us, invisible to the human eye, keeping the world in balance with their magical powers (could be true, but they’re not doing a very good job. Looking at you, America).

8. Global warming/climate change is not real (really?).

9. “I’m so excited to be pre-med, I really don’t think it will be that hard, I was always really good at science in high school” (best of luck kid, wishing you the best).

10. People with mental illnesses should not date because they are incapable of loving someone in a healthy way (please refer to comedian Pete Davidson’s statement on dating with borderline personality disorder. And now he’s engaged to a beautiful pop star, I think he won).

11. Black holes are interdimensional portals (honestly, who’s really to say? Has anyone returned from the inside of a black hole?)

12. Zodiac signs are not real (and you think my personality and the Pisces personality traits are just coincidentally the same?).

13. Our government isn’t committing severe human rights violations as you read this. Families were not separated, and children were not put in cages. The female body is no longer a political battleground (think Fortnite but with uteruses! Fun and flirty stuff!). Oh, and CVS once again carries my favorite brand of mascara. ~magical~ (Black Mirror or real life? You tell me).

14. No one can see me staring at them when I am wearing dark sunglasses. (most people seem to have a primal instinct to detect when they are being watched. Sorry if I’ve accidentally stared at you too long, I just didn’t realize you could see. Thought I was invisible for hot sec!).

15. “I’m fine. Everything’s fine.” (everything was, in fact, not fine…they just want you to keep asking them what’s wrong).

16. Fairies. Again. They are perfect, tiny versions of supermodels (Why do we always flatter ourselves by thinking magical creatures would look like us?).

17. Every politician is fair and sensible, and the judicial and prison system never make mistakes (please watch any prison documentary on Netflix, ever).

18. “My dog is the cutest one in the whole world” (your dog is probably really cute, but you’re likely mistaken because you’ve just never seen my dog before).

19. Everyone will watch and thank me for the Snapchat story videos I posted of the concert I was at last night.

20. Those kids who breeze through life with their wealth and entitlement in tow will experience the real world someday and have to work for what they get (lol).

21. There is a hidden school for witches and wizards somewhere in England, potentially called Hogwarts, potentially not (it’s actually in Scotland. J.K. Rowling tried to throw us off track while simultaneously revealing a whole other world to us. Mind blown? You are welcome).

22. I’m 100% right all the time.

That’s a wrap – thanks for reading. See you next time.

By Arden Schraff

Duke Student, mental health activist and resident goddess making Insta casual.