Off Season

February is hard month for me…I dread it more than anything. Not only is it in the midst of winter and my intense longing for sunshine to return to the vast Iowa skies, but it is also the end of my swim and dive season. It represents the completion of competing in yet another season for a sport I love and the last time I can share special moments with seniors on the team. But it also represents my deepest fear – something that I dread and invest too much time thinking about: off-season. I fear not having a consistent work out, that I will gain weight and the lifestyle I lead will completely change. I am paralyzed every time the word crosses my mind.

The irony and frustration lies in how I approach others when they express similar concerns about their weight. You know what I’m talking about, the friend that always reprimands you for thinking that “you’re going to get fat” or that “you have to watch what you eat now since you aren’t consistently working out.” I shower you with affirmations and praises (regardless if you want to hear them or not) and tell you that “weight is just a number and it does not define who you are.”  But secretly, when I am alone in the privacy of my dorm room, weight is all I can think about. I obsess over what I eat. Every day at the gym, I vigilantly stand on a scale before team strength and conditioning practices. If I am several pounds over my “ideal weight,” I scold myself for lacking better portion control during meals.

My daily three-and-a-half-hour exercise regimen – a fixture of my routine for the past 11 years of my life – is intensified by social media’s pressure to be a size 0. As most of us know, many of our lives are dictated by a culture that infiltrates our timelines and feeds with ways to be our best selves…but our best self is determined by maintaining a certain weight, having the perfect hourglass figure, and having a flock of suitors pursuing you…right? This mindset has warped my sense of identity to a degree where no matter how much I actively fight these thoughts this sentiment is deeply rooted in my mind. In all honesty, it will probably take years to extract. It frustrates me to no end that I consciously recognize this flawed system, yet I am trapped inside of it, desperately looking for ways to claw my way out.

I am writing about this deeply personal experience now – something I am very uncomfortable admitting to anyone in person, let alone to a bunch of people I’ve never met on the internet – to bring light to the issue. Deep down I know that food is not scary. I love food. I love all types of food…especially ice cream. I could eat Ben & Jerry’s and Talenti all day. But subconsciously, part of me still believes that if my abs disappear, so will my beauty and self-worth.

This off-season, I am dedicating myself to not skipping those meals, recognizing that I am hungry, and that it is okay to eat. No, that I need to eat. If not for me, then at least for my body. I know all the facts and data on why healthy living is not the same as dieting. I know all of the horrible negative effects of neglecting my body’s needs. But nothing is more challenging than overcoming the verbal abuse I put myself through on a daily basis. My body is my body and my body is valid no matter what it looks like. I am telling you that I am making a conscious effort to combat my negative thoughts in hopes that if you are struggling with the same thing as me, you know that you are not alone. I am suited up, ready to fight the voice in my head telling me I am not good enough because I am. I love ice cream, and no, I’m not going to deny myself that anymore.

Love forever my witches.

xx,

Anna

If you or anyone you know is struggling with disordered eating, please consult the following resources for help:

* National Eating Disorders Association (NEDA) website

* NEDA Hotline: +1 (800) 931-2237