Attaching Self-Worth to Accomplishments Is a Slippery Slope

Image by Markus Winkler

A plethora of expectations are subconsciously ingrained in our brains from the moment we begin kindergarten. Get good grades to proceed to the next grade. Become an attractive candidate for college while in high school. Gain experience on your campus and in your community in order to secure an internship in your field. If you secure a good internship, you’ll be more likely to find a job after college. Constant competition and comparison prepare us for the workplace the day we start preschool. Tying self-worth to academic success is an easy trap to fall into with so much emphasis on academic performance in our society. The contrast between sparkly “great job” stickers and intimidating comments scribbled in red ink clings to our young psyches like glue. Before we know it, we are ensnared in a spiderweb of internal and external expectations.

Luckily, I was able to narrowly avoid this struggle in school after being identified as a “gifted” kid in the first grade. This now-meaningless title allowed me to feel secure and confident in my high academic abilities, rather than my academic performance. I felt smart because I was told I was, not because I made good grades. 

I became an incredibly self-motivated worker after years of advanced classes and extra credit projects. It wasn’t long before not only academic success, but success, in general, became my primary objective. My drive subsequently became tied to my identity, convincing me I had to excel as well at everything else as I did with my grades. I became attached to every award, every “yes”, and every social media post-worthy accomplishment. I thrived on the feeling of any attained goal, and most of all, praise from my parents. My innate drive for success ruled my life.

When I went to college, the reality of the real world was not something my perfectionist tendencies could ever have anticipated. After my fun freshman year was cut short by the emergence of COVID-19, I suddenly began to gaze at my future with a very jaded mind. The day that I moved out of my freshman dorm months earlier than I had planned placed a grey haze over my whole outlook. I was disappointed at the loss of irreplaceable experiences and anxious about the growing global uncertainty. With the rest of my college experience in the unknown, I began to imagine what the next couple could look like for me. I soon realized I wasn’t miles away from the real world anymore, as I would be graduating in a few years. My new focus shifted from seeking accomplishments in the unstable present to seeking opportunities that would lead to success after graduation when the world would be back to normal.

Reality presented pressure, and I was intimidated. I felt like I was running away from a wave of complacency that was set to engulf me if I didn’t begin to make my way up the corporate ladder. While grades and GPAs didn’t grab a hold of me, securing a job became my motivation. Stories of internships turning into job opportunities were the catalyst for my dreams to begin to form as action. 

As a writer with little experience, I was able to secure a remote position at a small publication, which led to positions on my campus. Securing those spots led to many other wonderful opportunities including Coven. While I was elated when I got the acceptance for each job, I never let myself celebrate long. I was always focused on the next move. 

I got so lost in looking at the future that this past fall semester flew by, and soon the spring semester was in full swing. One of my assignments was to find a summer opportunity that would transform the leadership skills we were covering in class into action. I chose to fulfill the requirement by completing a summer internship, so the pressure was on. I did not how this pressure affected me until it the final presentation announcing our plans for the summer began to approach. I blinked and then I was late to the application process for summer internships, leaving me without an internship.

Another week flew by, and I was beginning to panic. Any time I started to worry, I told myself  “I’ll have an internship interview next week.” My presentation date grew even closer, and I still didn’t have an internship to announce. My professor assured me that it would be okay and to just present my intentions for the summer. At that time, I deemed that an acceptable alternative.

I felt I was in a bit of an in-between place, too far along in my experience to write for a publication with little readership, but not far along enough to expect to land a position at CNN. As I began to gauge what would be realistic to apply for, I realized I was ranking my skills based on what positions I was securing. While that can be a helpful marker, that could have become dangerous if I had remained unaware. One “no” could have caused me to underestimate myself, leaving me to never reach my potential.

Despite this realization, I felt nothing but shame on the day of the presentation. I sat and listened to others’ amazing opportunities, and while I was happy for their success, I was jealous that I had not been able not to step up to the plate as they had. I began to zone out and retrace my steps, trying to examine where I went wrong to not have ended up with a position to share. 

When it was my turn to present, I was so embarrassed to admit I didn’t have an opportunity that my pacifying mantra slipped aloud with the bite of a lie. Before I even realized what I was saying, I concluded my presentation with “I have an internship interview next week.” 

As soon as I said it, I felt horrible. Why was I so embarrassed over something I didn’t have to be embarrassed over? Why had I assigned an internship that much value? I looked down. Someone had typed “Good luck on your interview!” in the chat. I felt sick. Immediately after I said it, I realized how much of a grip this ideal internship had on my motivations. I wasn’t enjoying the process and I wasn’t learning from my mistakes; I was only focused on what I perceived would come after getting a position. I vowed to myself to never forget my new insights and to keep that senseless lie as a memory to prevent my identity from ever slipping out of my hands like that again.

Ironically, the next day I ended up hearing back from my current internship. I did indeed have an interview and secured the position that next week. Whether my interview was a product of manifestation or not, the offer was delayed post-presentation for a reason. While in the past I would have wanted to drone on and on about how the opportunity is advancing me in my career, I realized the real key I needed for my future was becoming aware of my attachment to accomplishment. If I had not been aware of this dangerous association before greater responsibility was given to me, my own aspirations may have been my downfall. Reaching your goals is important, but no achievement should ever have enough power to impact your view of yourself.

By Taya Coates

VCU student, sunset enthusiast, and proud feminist passionate about making the world a better place.