Survival, Revival

I wondered where I was,

no moving arrow on a small glowing screen to guide me.

I wondered who I was,

stripped of glitz and glamour and taken-for-granted luxuries.

A woman in the wild, hidden from the world,

What am I beyond what others see?

A girl plucked from home and placed into the unknown,

who am I beyond who I used to be?

Frightened by the unwavering power of all that surrounds me,

I am forced to fight within.

Struck by the sheer expanse of unfamiliar,

I am forced to find my own.

The land exposes me for who I am,

and I peel off my masks as I grow new layers.

I find solace in wonder and wander,

lost, I find myself.

 

Author's Note

Dressed in five layers at all times while freezing my toes off in the middle of Pisgah National Park, I felt absolutely naked. I was always one to draw my confidence from my physique and from the way my hair framed my face; from my fresh-out-of-the-shower smell and from my seemingly clear skin (which in reality, was just doused with foundation). Without these daily luxuries, I felt stripped of my most protective tools. But in my loss of what I thought was a sense of self, I redefined what mattered; I stepped out of the façade that I hid behind. Nothing about who I was before seemed to be relevant – here, I could become the girl who was strong enough to hike even after sunset, confident enough to lead with map and compass, and carefree enough to allow the land to move her. I laughed more and filtered my thoughts less. I stumbled more and treaded lightly less.

I believe this experience to be one and the same as finding identity in college, especially as a woman. It is to be faced with so much discomfort all at once that you are forced to reevaluate yourself and what you stand for. It is to feel naked and raw in front of all the scrutinizing faces and exposed by all you do not know. But through this process, you learn to redefine. You learn what it means to fight. You learn what it means to love. And most of all, you learn what it means to be yourself.

Photographs & Words by Vivian Yuan