If the Jeans Fit

This morning my jeans didn’t fit.

I am someone who proclaims body positivity. Someone who claims that my body and everybody else’s, irrespective of size and shape, are worth love. I have done so on live television, claiming my self-worth has nothing to do with my body, but I have also done so in smaller and more implicit ways: posting Instagrams in minimal clothing after a run. I am someone who promotes body positivity because as a lanky long-distance runner, it is easy to.

Although I hate to say it, there is something naïve about the saying, “Stop thinking about how you look and think about how you feel.” It’s unrealistic to assume that I don’t care how I look. I know I feel fabulous after a salon blow-out. I know I feel strong after a good workout. I know I feel shitty when I can’t zip up a dress.

This morning I could not button my jeans. Yesterday I could not zip up my top. Last week I felt incredibly bloated and didn’t see the abs I normally do on my weekly Instagrams.

I always tell people that I don’t weigh myself because I am, “so much more than a number.” I lied. I don’t weigh myself because I’m scared to see if I’ve gained as much weight as I think I have.

I realise that I post pictures in sports-bras and spandex for pride, but also for reassurance that my body is worth something – that other people think my body is okay even when I don’t personally feel it is.

I like to tell everyone that I eat as much as I want as an athlete, which honestly is true. But I still feel shit after eating four slices of cake and just pretend not to care so that I can keep up the with the ‘athletes can eat what they want’ hype.

Six years ago, during a time in which I was suffering from an eating disorder, my mother would often remind me that, “repression breeds obsession.” She would tell me this when I refused to eat chocolate or any other food I deemed unhealthy, but the sentiment still stands strong today. Trying to ignore something, regardless of how minor or insignificant you believe it is, only makes you think about it more.

Bodies are no different. It’s great to be body positive, it really is, and we should all aspire to be as comfortable in our own skin as possible. But with such an incredibly high moral characterisation for those who preach their body confidence, it’s easy to feel that pointing out one’s own struggles with personal imperfections is a sin.

Going forward, I ask you to be willing to voice your concerns. True friends, both male and female, are here for that exact reason. They are the people that will remind you that instead of worrying about your jeans fitting, think about internship you just got. They are the people to buy you one size up of those jeans you really love. They are the people who will sit and listen to you and your fears and worries, and late night sesh with your two friends Ben & Jerry.

The truth is that we are all allowed to feel however we do. Body positivity is incredible, and if you are truly comfortable in your own skin, I am proud of you. But like anything else, it is okay not be perfect.

By Sophia Parvizi-Wayne

Duke Student, leader of national campaign on mental health, Cross Country All-ACC, fashion alchemist, Huffington Post writer, and all-around world-runner