On Sexual Assault
What to say to a friend who needs your comfort
TRIGGER WARNING: This article contains information about sexual assault and violence, that may be triggering to survivors. Please take this into consideration before reading. Please also note that this piece is not written by a professional psychologist but by a sexual assault survivor.
I want to first make one thing clear, I am in no way a professional and have not been trained in assisting survivors of sexual assault or rape. I do not have an “answer” of any sort, and I understand that everyone heals in different ways. As a survivor of sexual assault myself, however, I have had several friends (way too many, unfortunately) come to me for support knowing they have experienced a situation far too similar to my own. I want to write down some of the things I have found to be helpful for myself and others during these times in order to hopefully provide a slimmer of guidance to those of you who may be unsure of what to say or do in a circumstance where you are approached by a friend.
Make sure your friend is safe.
Ask if they feel safe right now. Be aware of the fact that they might not feel safe on their own, even in their own room. Either stay with them or find a professional or someone else they trust to stay with them until they are comfortable.
2. How they choose to proceed is entirely up to them.
First, if the assault has happened recently, encourage your friend to go to the emergency room to get a rape kit done in case they decide to press charges with the police or through their university later on. Even if they don’t think they want to, it can be helpful if they change their mind anytime in the future. It is also helpful to go to an emergency room to get STD tests and take all relevant preventative measures. Ask to accompany your friend or drive them there – having a rape kit done can be traumatic in itself; rape kits can be very intrusive and scary, especially after everything that your friend has gone through. Be sensitive to that. Because of this, your friend might strongly push back and not want one at all. While gentle encouragement in your suggestion is okay, you have to remember that ultimately it is up to them. Respect that. Do not pressure or shame your friend into doing something they are not comfortable with, as hard as it is knowing you have their best interests in mind. Be there for your friend and understand that this decision isn’t an easy one. You can also find your friend a professional who can lay out your friend’s options when it comes to pursuing action against their assailant; this is important not only because the assailant committed a serious crime, but also to give your friend some peace of mind. While a professional will be able to lay things out more clearly, basic options include: reporting to the school/university police (regardless of where the assault occurred), reporting the assault to the local police (whether or not they decide to press charges, they can still just make a statement for the record), and seeking professional psychological counseling (campus wellness centers, women’s centers, therapy providers, etc.) to get 100% confidential support. I strongly believe that seeking counseling should still be utilized regardless of whether or not a report is made.
These resources can make arrangements with the school to ensure that your friend does not have to worry about future contact with their assailant, such as assisting in obtaining a restraining order. They can also talk to your friend’s academic dean/teachers without breaching privacy to inform them that extra time for assignments may be needed, or anything of that nature. But most importantly, these resources can help your friend navigate through this time with consistent and steady support in a safe place. While counseling is something to really push for (and if not consistently, at least a visit) the other ways to proceed are, again, up to your friend entirely. I am repeating myself because I know how frustrating it can feel when someone you care about doesn’t want to make a report; you may be confused or even angry. Don’t they want some justice? My advice? Take a deep breath and remind yourself that it is not up to you – this is your friend’s experience, and reporting a traumatic experience isn’t always the walk in the park we wish it could be. Consider all the incredibly complex social pressures or fears of retaliation that might be holding your friend back; respect and actively support whatever they believe is best for them.
3. “It’s not your fault, you are in no way to blame.”
As cliché as this may seem, this is a crucial point to harp on. You may think that this would be obvious…it is 2018, after all. Haven’t we had this discussion before? Doesn’t everybody know victims are never to blame? Sure, saying it almost feels automatic, but when it comes to experiencing a traumatic assault, our emotions can skew our thoughts and distort our logical reasoning. I have found it helpful to suggest imagining if you or another friend, however close, confided in your friend that has been assaulted. Would your friend for one second think that the victim was to blame? Would that ever cross their mind as a sound explanation? Of course not, because in our right mind we know there is no validation for victim blaming. But when it comes to ourselves, the absence of any personal blame is much harder to accept. Perhaps this comes from a need within to understand what happened and why. Otherwise, the violence against us is simply incomprehensible, and that confusion can be painful in itself. Or maybe it stems from horrible tendency for women to feel as though we need to over apologize for or justify our actions. Or maybe it still comes from those people in society who still blame victims for “being drunk,” or “putting themselves out there too much,” or “wearing provocative clothing,” or “sending mixed signals,” or “asking for it by being alone with him,” or my personal favorite, “being a tease.” Whatever it is, asking your friend to imagine stepping out of their situation and imagining the event as a third person may help clear up any lingering feelings of self-blame.
4. Mixed signals aren’t a thing or an excuse.
‘They (the victim) were drunk,’ they say. ‘Maybe they led him on – they were into it at first,’ they persist, ‘Maybe that wasn’t fair.’ Stop your friend right there. Again, it may be useful to refer back to the third person analogy. Ask your friend what they would say to you if it were you having those thoughts. And then repeat their responses with them in application to themselves. Repeat them with your friend until they start to actually believe it. For example, “I have every right to stop whenever I want, no matter how far we have gone.” “Boys HAVE self-control, it is not my job to regulate or coddle it.” “I can change my mind because my opinion matters.” “Intoxication is not consent.” “I should be able to drink and still have my humanity be respected and my safety honored.” *louder for the people in the back*
5. Silence is not consent. And is never consent.
Screaming “no” is not always an option nor an immediate bodily response. Under immense and sudden duress, our bodies tend to freeze – to disengage and disassociate out of protection for ourselves against the potential threat of further violence. So, with that being said, not saying anything is not saying yes. Someone’s choice to disregard that silence is not a decision made out of ignorance or blurred lines of confusion; disregarding silence is an intentional choice. So, I repeat: silence is not consent and the survivor is never to blame.
6. “This won’t destroy you.”
Remind your friend of this: this will not break you. It will not destroy who you are as a person. You are still you, and you are still whole. You are still magnificent. You are not icky or shameful. The fact that an assault occurred says nothing about who you are, and everything about who the assailant is. It is going to hurt, and it might hurt so bad that it may feel unbearable at times. And that is perfectly okay. Take the time you need as an individual to feel and process that pain. Feel it in a safe and healthy way (with someone beside you for comfort and support).
But always keep in mind that this pain and these horrible feelings are temporary; time will heal even the deepest wounds. It is important to meditate on your feelings and this experience rather than suppressing everything, but you are resilient, and you will be okay. Set aside time in your routine to do the little things that make you happy. Don’t forget about all the badass accomplishments you have achieved, everything you are passionate about, and the things you take pride in standing for. Once you have felt the pain, focus on the healing. Moving forward doesn’t mean forgetting, or telling yourself what happened is okay or that you don’t care; moving forward means focusing on you, and on what you want to happen next. There is a negative connotation with “getting over it”, and whoever tells you to “just get over it” needs to do some serious soul searching outside of your life for a little. But what is doable and is positive is being okay again and being even stronger, by concentrating on what feels best for you.
7. “You are not alone.”
I wish I could say that sexual assault does not happen to anyone. I wish I could say I haven’t had more than one experience with it personally that have made me doubt my own self-worth and the importance of my voice. I wish no one has to face situations like the ones that made me question whether or not I even deserved enough respect for my opinion to matter. But it has happened to more people than we know, and none of whom “asked for it” in any way, shape, or form. That is not to invalidate, or to tell you or your friend that your experiences aren’t unique and important and incredibly painful, because they are all of those things. It is your experience. It is your friend’s experience. This is just to stand as a reminder that sexual assault survivors are not alone, you are not alone. And to serve as a reminder that we can find empowerment and strength in other survivors. While it may feel tempting to isolate yourself, there is real strength in numbers.
8. There are places to get help and find hope.
Remind your friend that they are already on the right path and encouraging the healing process by talking to someone about their experience. Remind them how brave that makes them, and how proud you are of them. And then remind them of the helpful resources available – this is never something someone should deal with on their own. Every university has a safety net of resources dedicated to helping survivors of gender and sexual violence. As mentioned above, most universities have psychological resources such as Women’s Centers with specially trained therapists who are there with the sole job of helping sexual assault and gender-based violence survivors. They want to help, they will make themselves available, and they WILL believe you. If your friend is worried about getting too overwhelmed, remind them that talking to a professional about the assault doesn’t mean they have to deeply explore or exploit any sadness they may be feeling. These resources are there to stand by anyone who has dealt with these traumatic experiences and will help illuminate hope on your terms; they will not force anyone to delve into any feelings they aren’t ready to explore yet. See point number two for more resources.
9. Don’t focus on the labels, focus on yourself.
Remind your friend that what happened to them does not define them, and that there is no one “right” way they should be reacting to the assault or a “normal” way to feel. Suggest they try to focus less on unprecedented expectations or false misconceptions by people who have never had any experience with sexual assault of what the occurrence of the assault means in our society about how they should act or be feeling. Help your friend refocus on themselves, their safety, and the positivity of the future.
10. I’m here. You will be okay.
Finally, perhaps the most important and easiest thing you can do for your friend is to simply be there for them. Listen to them, hear them, sit with them, let them cry, hold them, give them hope, make them laugh, give them that boost up when they are feeling down, and be patient and understanding in their own process of healing and moving forward. Tell them it will be okay. Because it will be. With time, love, and patience, the wounds will heal, and the scars will fade.
We know that one in four college-aged women will experience some form of sexual assault during their time as a student, so be there for one another. Even if you are never approached directly, I am almost certain you know someone who has experienced sexual assault in some form or another, so look out for each other. And if you suspect someone close to you has been affected by sexual or gender violence, please feel free to express your care for them and their importance to you, it might mean more than you know..
Remember: you are not alone.
For other resources, please see below:
National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/
By Liv Jarrett
Duke student, traveler, singer, seltzer enthusiast, with impressive indecisiveness.
Photography by Lee Price