Ends with Benefits

Through her cell phone, he beckons. Without a thought, she reaches into her pocket to check her vibrating phone. A text from a guy in her favorite class. He’s wondering if she can answer his questions on their homework, but she’s a little unsure too. She suggests they meet up to study that night; he delightfully agrees and tells her to go to the library at eight. She stares back perplexed. She doesn’t want to go there. The timing isn’t right and she wants to go somewhere more comfortable. Why does he get all the say in this? She shoots off a reply, ‘Can we please study somewhere else, maybe go somewhere a little more comfortable around seven tonight?’ After some back and forth, the two come to a compromise that both are comfortable with.

___

Through her cell phone, he beckons. ‘Let’s go for run,’ he says. She agrees without hesitation. They’ve been running buddies since the beginning of the school year. They run at the same pace and can run the same distance. They start their routine, but as they reach their usual end point she realizes he isn’t slowing down. She panics. She doesn’t want to go any farther. With agency, she quickly tells him, ‘please stop.’ He instantly stops in his tracks and looks at her. The apology pours out of his mouth – he did not want to do anything she wasn’t comfortable with. They are friends and he doesn’t want to jeopardize what they have. She forgives him and lets him know that she might be interested in going a little farther next week. ‘Okay, just let me know,’ he replies as they walk back to their dorms.

___

Through the throngs of people, he beckoned. “Lilly!” I quickly shot a glance over in the direction of the voice and continued to walk out the door. The voice sounded familiar but I didn’t want to face it – or rather the conversation that would ensue. I could tell by the voice and quick glance that this person was in fact a guy I had hooked up with a couple nights prior. I didn’t want to deal with the situation so I kept walking, pretending that I simply did not hear the painfully obvious voice that called out to me.

In reality, there was nothing to confront except my own feelings. I chose to hook up with him – I wanted to – but in this moment, I wanted nothing more than to get away. I’ve never been one to seek out a relationship or even a “friends with benefits” type situation. I look for one-time things because they’re easy. There is no façade about the situation or any awkward conversations.

But why is it really that seemingly everyone around me, myself included, ignores feelings and looks solely for the physical? Is the “no feelings” college hookup culture really what I or anyone else wants? As much as it seems like I am in power and have control over my sexuality by refusing to let anything last longer than a brief night, do I really have complete control? To be honest I’m just not quite sure and I don’t know if I ever will be. I’m not afraid to be vocal in what I want to do in other aspects of my life. I speak up for my opinions on current events and I am not afraid to be decisive when it comes to classes and other activities. Yet it seems that I can’t speak my mind when it comes to this because I don’t even know what I want.

So really, why do I participate in it? The immediate answer is that it’s fun and enjoyable…but then I delve into it further. Am I looking for a self-esteem boost? Is this form of sexual liberation just me seeking validation about my self-worth through someone else? Or is it because I feel pressure from my peers or am even internalizing my perception of society? Hookup culture is pervasive in media and entertainment’s depiction of college…has that seeped into my own reasoning too? Maybe I’m just searching for human intimacy.

While I like to think of my role in hookup culture as a personally empowering way to change the narrative surrounding sex and intimacy, there is a lot more to it in reality. Is my decision to participate what really empowers me or is it one of the other confounding factors? I am not ashamed about my actions and my sexual life, however, when it comes time to face my actions my confidence falls short, forcing me to question how much control I really have.  However, there is only so much control a single person can have. By being honest with myself and being confident in my decisions I am still able to find and radiate empowerment.

By Lilly Delehanty

Duke Student, pink purveyor and resident expert on surviving and thriving.