How to be Heartbroken—The Feminist Way

Fashion designer Kate Spade was found dead earlier this week. She reportedly fell into a deep depression days before she committed suicide because her husband Andy wanted a divorce. She left a note, which read, "This is not your fault. Ask Daddy!" Let this be a manifesto of for when it ever begins to feel like too much.  

I consider myself a feminist. My Instagram feed is filled with female influencers, girl-bosses, and feminist activists. For the last two summers, I’ve interned at women’s rights non-profit organizations. This passion is at the core of who I am.

When I went through my very first breakup, I quite literally thought the world was ending, that I would never be happy again, and that without my ex-boyfriend (or a boyfriend), I could never truly live my best life. My friends saw how lifeless I had become and encouraged me to seek counseling. So, for the first time in my life, I sought out a therapist at my college’s student health center.

Walking into the counseling and psychological services center was nerve-wracking to say the least: what if I saw someone I know and have to explain that I had been dumped? What if the therapist writes me off as not having “real problems?” These fears followed me as the therapist, a young woman with a warm smile and a petite frame, called my name and walked me from the waiting room to her office.

After I explained the source of my emotional pain, as well as a little bit about myself (my future aspirations, summer plans, academic interests) my therapist asked me the question that would change the way that I viewed my situation, “How does your ideal self deal with a breakup?”

I was embarrassed to admit to her and myself that my central anxiety was this idea of a “failed relationship.” I feared that my peers who had once cooed at my relationship and commented on our Instagrams together would no longer respect me nor take an interest in my life because I was no longer in this relationship. The ideas that I 1) needed the validation of others to make me happy, 2) people would think less of me if I was single, and 3) a relationship ending signified failure on my behalf do not align with my core feminist beliefs. They instead reflected my skewed understanding of happiness at the time – that instead of coming from within, happiness came from the validation of others.

I answered my therapist’s question by describing characteristics I thought an empowered woman embodied—independence, self-sufficiency, a focus on social justice and advocacy—and that this woman would deal with a break-up like any other issue in her life. She would start by giving herself time to grieve its passing, but would then move on, focus on showing herself kindness and go back to living her life as the independent girl-boss that she is.

It’s one thing to say I hold feminist values, but when I actually faced adversity, I completely chucked these beliefs out the window. I forgot that my life is complete because I am enough. Because doing things on my own and living my best life for my own happiness and not for another’s is enough.

While there is no “right way” to recover from heartbreak (in fact, I think it’s entirely necessary to initially grieve and feel all the weight of the new loss), I’ve found vast importance in the reminder that self-worth and happiness come from within, not from anyone else—including my ex. He made me happy in the past, but I am enough to live my best life. Now, I find myself daydreaming about how great it will feels each time I realize that I need no one but my authentic self to thrive.

By Victoria Wang

Duke Student, resident globe-trotter and founder of getting foreign food posts trending