Mama Witch Interviews for Mom's Day

Mother’s Day is a wonderful, spring holiday filled with flowers and breakfast in bed. But it’s important to take a moment and think about the sacrifices our mothers made and the time and energy they spent making us the best people they could.

It’s also crucial to remember that Mother’s Day doesn’t mean the same thing to everyone, and we keep in our hearts, among many more, women who have strained relationships with their mothers, never knew them, chose not to be mothers, or are struggling to become ones.

Whatever your relationship to Mother’s Day may be, we wish you a day filled with love and gratitude - you are here and you are a badass, and that’s what matters.

Amelia Duggan

My mom, Amelia Duggan, is one of the best people ever. I talked to her recently after spending the weekend at home for Easter. I am a triplet—I have two sisters, Molly and Haley—and much of my conversation with my mom was about the story of her journey to get pregnant with the three of us and how she and my dad managed raising three kids all at the same time.

Katie Duggan: Did you ever feel pressure to have kids or was it an individual choice?

Honestly, with my childhood… it was never a familial pressure. And it was a scary scenario, because I didn’t have the easiest childhood, because there was a lot of dysfunction and my mother’s drinking. But I knew I wanted to be a mom, and I thought I could be a good mom. Growing up, I was the queen of babysitting. I babysat like crazy, and they called me from the towns over… because I was really good to the kids. Because I love children, and I always saw such enormous joy and potential in children.

Did you ever question wanting to be a mother?

No, I never did. But I never thought I’d be a mother, because when we first got married your father never wanted children. But I always wanted kids, and wanted to be a mother, figuring I never would be.

And what changed his mind?

It was after Kyle (a friend’s child) was born. When we went to visit his mother Elise in the hospital, we saw him in the nursery, and he was such a cute kid… so your father said, how about we give kids a try?

Once you had decided that you wanted kids, how long were you trying for?

I didn’t go the fertility doctor until we tried on our own for a while and didn’t get pregnant. Probably after a year, I went to a specialist to see what was going on. I was given some sort of pills—I don’t even remember the name of the drug—and your father was given some stuff too. All in all, it took seven years of fertility treatments to get pregnant. Seven years, lucky seven. And like I’ve told you, it took quite a toll on me, especially the shots. But no regrets.

You went through so many challenges in your pregnancy. You must have really wanted us!

All these women have wonderful reflections of their time being pregnant… not for me. It was a frightening time. And your infancy was a frightening experience when those monitors would go off and I would go running into the room… it was scary. After you went off the monitor and were 18 months old, it was better… but there were still times in my life, whenever I walk up the stairs and just hope and pray that you’re alive in your rooms. It’s very hard to let go of, that fear… Because you were so vulnerable, so fragile as babies. I know it’s hokey, but sometimes when I tell the story of you being born you don’t even know how incredible it was. And sometimes I forget because it was just something I lived through. I worried constantly. It was really joyful on some levels but really painful and frightening on others. And it was exhausting. But worth it. Every bit of it and your father feels the same. And your dad has been wonderful, I couldn’t have done it without him. He was very calm and very secure. I had three jobs, and three babies… I mean, who does that? But we needed my salary and benefits. Anyway, all of this has not much to do with motherhood, but I went through so much you didn’t even see. But I was fierce!

What’s the most rewarding part about being a mother?

Watching my children blossom into beautiful young women. I’m always amazed—well I shouldn’t be amazed I guess since I made you, and I’m pretty smart—but I am delighted by the creativity, imagination, intelligence, determination, beauty, all the things that you girls are. Some women don’t like the idea that having children is the best thing they ever did… I don’t feel that way. You are my legacy, and everything I ever did is reflected in you. That means I did my job. In my career, I always wanted to do my best work and the same thing in parenting…and I think as a mom I did a pretty good job! Having children is amazing thing… people take it for granted and they really shouldn’t. It’s an amazing thing, to watch your children come into the world and grow. My motherhood experience is bittersweet, and probably every mom would say the same, otherwise, they’re not being honest or living in a fantasy land. And I’m just grateful… I was very worried about you, frantic even, trying not to overreact when you were little. Motherhood is brutal, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. And now I can enjoy you just as people when we cook or go to the movies. The hard times and the rites of passage are all part of the life experience, all part of the human experience—and what make life interesting. What stories would we have to tell? You need color for your life, otherwise, it’s a bore, and our lives have not been boring. And all things considered, I did a pretty good job raising you, didn’t I? Your life isn’t too boring?

Did your own upbringing and relationship with your parents affect how you approached motherhood early on?

My mother was helpful, and I remember my mother saying this: she said, “I know I’ve had a lot of children. But I never had three babies at one time, so I don’t really know what to tell you about that.” My mother, despite her flaws, did her best to be a good mother. But I changed a lot of diapers for [my youngest sister] Maria. I felt closer to my mother after you girls were born. But I also had a conversation one day—and told her that if she wanted to be a part of your lives, she would have to hold up her end and show up to the house in a proper state and not drink. You were too young to remember her much, but there are a lot of great memories of you girls swimming and laughing in my mom’s pool.

What advice would you give me if I became a parent?

It’s hard because my pregnancy and your infancy were not typical—so I have a different perspective since I never carried babies to full term, I only carried you six months. I was also different from most women because my babies were checked every day by a doctor when I was in the hospital. But I would say […] stay calm and ignore what most people tell you because your instinct will be better than what most people tell you. Ignore the advice you get because you as a mom are going to know what’s best for your child, and you have to set the ground rules. I can give you some advice, but ultimately you can take it or leave it. I remember when you were little and used to suck your thumb, people would always come up to me and scold me, saying how that was going to destroy your teeth. But look at your teeth now, they’re great! You’re the mother… you have to trust your own instincts. I trusted mine. I was like a lioness protecting her cubs.

After you got past that initial hurdle of caring for us as little kids, what did Mother’s Day mean to you? What has Mother’s Day meant to you throughout the years?

Mother’s Day with my mom was ugly every year, and nothing we could ever do would make her happy because she was just in a bad place. Your Aunt Maureen once told me that Mother’s Day was [your paternal grandmother] Nana’s day, and it could be mine after she was gone. So, I always felt like a second-class citizen. And, of course, you girls, when you were little, often behaved so badly on Mother’s Day, and I made it worse by saying all I want you to do was be good and sweet. It all changed when I decided to turn Mother’s Day around and said that what would make me happy was to do nice things for my family. I bought an edible arrangement and served dinner, and it made me happy because my whole family was joyful and happy. I made it not the day that I needed to be fussed over and pampered because every time anyone tried, it was a disaster. I don’t need to be worshipped, I don’t like gifts, I just want a nice meal. And we ultimately figured it out. This coming Mother’s Day, we’re going up to Boston to see your sisters, and we’re going to go out to lunch. I just want to embrace my family on Mother’s Day, I just want my family around me.

You did an amazing job. And my life definitely isn’t boring! I love you so much, and thanks for everything. Love you!

- Katie

Adriane Rothstein

My mom, Adriane Rothstein, is the most intelligent adventurous and outgoing person I know. I wanted to interview her because when I was seven she was diagnosed with a rare form of brain cancer. Her attitude towards parenting shifted and I think that her resilience is an important message to share.

Anna Billy: What’s the best/most rewarding part about being a mother?

I think from the very beginning, the ability to stand back and watch your child discover the world around her is the most rewarding aspect of being a mom. You were never hesitant about exploring. In daycare you loved to run around and play in the dirt. In preschool, you had the goal to climb to the red mark on the tree. You practiced and practiced and learned a lot about perseverance. I think [the most rewarding aspect] was watching you grow and become the strong woman you are today.

What is the hardest part about being a mother?

There were 2 things that were hard. First was leaving you at the hospital because you were a premature baby born 6 weeks early and weighed only 3.7 lbs. That was really scary. But additionally, it was the balancing act between working and parenting. Will there be enough time for me to devote to my career? Will that time adversely affect my relationship with you? Was it too much to come home at 10 PM after you had gone to sleep because I was at a board meeting? I truly depended on the parenting experts view that quality time over quantity of time was going to work for us as a mother and daughter. But that approach stopped working when I stopped working when you were in 4th grade.

Was it really 4th grade?

Yep. You were entering Westridge when I was diagnosed [with Chordoma]. I had gone through treatments and had surgery while you were in 3rd grade and then in fourth grade, I stopped working.

Wow. Did you miss working when you stopped? How did it feel when you went back to work for a brief period of time?

I did and I didn’t. There was so much I gained by being a part of your school life. It helped me feel like I had some meaning when I was no longer able to work. My job had been too stressful. [Being active in your school life] was a different venue for me to participate in your life and be a part of a community. I felt incredibly grateful that I could see you grow year after year in school. I could take you to swim practice, I could do the things I hadn’t been able to do [before].

Who inspires you the most?

I thought about this question a lot because there are so many different women with different accomplishments. I have to say my mom though. She was the one, who in many ways, allowed me to discover my likes and my dislikes. She never judged me. She encouraged me to go abroad, something she never had the chance to do. She was curious. She was adventurous. Every Sunday was a day for exploring Los Angeles and learning about the arts. While she was the peacemaker of our family, she struggled with cancer but let go with a lot of dignity and grace. I remember saying to myself, “If I can be half the mom that she was to me I will feel grateful.” I wish you had more time to know her. What was interesting about my mom was that she conformed to how women should act in the 1940s, 50s, and 60s but when I went to college in the 1970s she went to college. She finally saw that it was important for her to explore her writing. I admire that. She awoke and thought ‘I can do this. Nobody thought I could, but I can.’ She became enamored with going to school. [Without a driving license], she found her way to school every day. She took control of her life in a way she had never done before.

How did you maintain your individual identity?

That again is multifaceted. Going back to the fact that I married at 35 and then had you at thirty-seven [goes to show that] I had a life of my own. That is part of the reason I didn’t take dad’s last name. At 35, I thought, ‘This is my name and I don’t want to change it. I have lived this life.’ It was important for me to have my identity. A second thing is that when I was diagnosed with cancer when you were seven it was a sharp turn because it is akin to how flight attendants tell you to put the air mask on yourself before your child’s. I had to take care of myself first. I had to. There were days when I was exhausted after radiation. Other people took care of you whether it was going to a friend’s house for the weekend or otherwise. I couldn’t let myself be absorbed into anyone else’s needs.

I think that’s important because for some mothers their identity is absorbed and distilled into being a mom. I feel like you were able to reserve some type of autonomy and take a step back and reflect on this specific moment in your life to say ‘I need to put myself first and I will rely on the kinship networks that I have to make sure that my family can thrive as well.’

It also taught me, maybe sooner than others, that I knew what separation was. I understood much more quickly than maybe other moms. I knew there was going to be a separation between us. There were some moments where I didn’t think I would see you graduate high school. That truly was a sense of I’m going to need to give her as much as I can so that she is equipped to be on her own two feet because I may not be here. That was huge. Never did I think we would have a conversation in college.

When do you think that turning point was for you?

I think it happened the year I beat the odds. Another year [with a clean scan] became another year longer. My mental framework of “I’m going to die” shifted to “I am living!” And I am so grateful I am here. At first, when you are diagnosed I think there is an overshadowing of death and as soon as you move through that stage then you are able to live. I think when time went on it became easier.

Do your views on marriage affect your decision to parent?

I give single moms so many kudos because regardless of how strong I thought I was (I was truly a strong woman in my thirties), I did still feel like I needed to marry. I didn’t feel anyone pressure me. But in order for me to have a child and a career, I was going to need to marry someone. The financial burden or emotional burden of being a single parent was scary to me. The amount of change that has occurred within the past ten years is inspiring.

What advice would you give me if I became a parent?

To make sure nothing is a barrier between you and loving your child wholeheartedly. To ensure that they know how much they are loved. I think personally, touch is a very important conveyor of love as well. I think that being able to hold you, embrace you, and have you feel me close to you is important. I grew up with that. People were hugging me all the time. That is an essential and integral part of expressing yourself.

What does Mother’s Day mean to you?

I thought it meant nothing until the day you forgot to give me a card. But, I honestly think that having constant communication helps with our mother-daughter relationship. It makes it strong. Our relationship morphs into friendship more than anything. For me, it is not about the day itself.

Mom – your strength and resilience inspire me every day. I am so lucky to have you as my mom and I cannot wait to see you soon and give you a big hug xx

- Anna

Eva Davis

When other preschoolers would play dress up, I would grab a fake cellphone and (courteously) yell at my classmates, “Would you hush? I’m on a conference call.” My family and I would be nothing without the love, hard work, and occasional business spice she adds to our home. She’s my inspiration, my hot yoga buddy, and my nonexistent boyfriend’s glimpse into what 20 years from now will look like. I may be her walking clone, but if I have a fraction of her compassion and intelligence in 20 years, I’ll be pretty damn thrilled.

Alexandra Davis: What is the hardest part about being a mother? / Did you ever question your abilities of being a mother?

It wasn’t easy to juggle work with motherhood, and there’s a deep guilt that I didn’t give you and your sister enough attention or time. I don’t talk about it, but like most women, we ask ourselves whether we could have given more time, more attention.

On the good side, it kept me sane. When I would drop you off at the bus stop each morning, it felt wonderful to be heading to more important things than hot yoga and coffee with mom cliques who would score other mothers’ hair, dress, and shoes. I had more serious stuff to do. The reality of a high-stress job, client relationships and business crises gave me a much better perspective on raising you and Elizabeth.

I could sympathize with teachers who were really trying to do their best. I wasn’t afraid to introduce myself to other moms and ask questions — didn’t bother me at all if they thought I was weird.

How did you maintain your individual identity?

Just Say No. I’m lucky to have reached a point in my career where I only do “extra” activities that I want to do. This means I say “no” to speaking engagements, outside activities, industry organizations, and personal invitations that don’t specifically relate to our family or my interests. “No” allows me to focus on more aspects of our family. I will admit, I do say “yes” frequently, which gives me the opportunity to say “no” because my relationships know that I am busy. When I decline a request, they trust that it’s because I have a number of other competing demands on my time. Even if it is just to eat dinner as a family for once.

Technology means that I’m contactable 24/7, so my clients expect that I will be free for them. I had to draft contacts sitting in the stands at your weekend lacrosse games, and organize elements of your birthday parties between contract negotiations. It took a decade or so, but now but embracing work-life integration now allows me to enjoy our family time without pressure or guilt.

What advice would you give me if I became a parent?

Show up for your child[ren] on your terms, not your community’s expectations. I volunteered activities that worked with my work schedule and best utilized my skills, in order to be the best example for you and Elizabeth. Work didn’t allow me to be a room parent or to run any of your activities during the school day. But I could serve on the Board of Directors of your pre-school and chair your school’s Annual Fund. Those roles allowed me to stay up-to-date about all the aspects of your school life—more than I could ever gain at the school bus stop, drop off or class party. Most of all, they provided you and Elizabeth with rare opportunities to see me taking an active leadership role in your lives.

Take risks, stretch yourself further than you think possible and seize opportunities (even if you feel like you're not quite right or sufficiently experienced for that opportunity).

Without my momma bear, Coven would legitimately not be a thing. She flew across the country to help me get through my first semester at Duke, and was my rock every day back home. After a traumatic event at my first college party, she put her clients, job, and the rest of our family on hold for a month as a tried to keep my head above water. In the next semester, she took me to women’s marches, conferences, and built back my confidence to found Coven, for women who go through hardship in college but don’t have the support or privilege. She is my rock, my role model, and my driving force so I can one day give her back an ounce of the love she shows me every damn day. I love you, Mommasita.

- Alexandra

Laureen Chang

My mother is one of the most badass woman I know (closely tied with her mother). She worked in banking until I was born, the youngest of three siblings. She is tenacious when it comes to her children, and strong when dealing with whatever life throws her way. She’s also an absolute guru with the best advice in the world.

Caroline Brockett: You had two children and then eight years later I came along. What would you say is the hardest part about being a mother, especially with having children so spread out in age?

The hardest part was having to be physically present for different schools, different schedules, different needs of children at different ages. It was a far better experience later because I was a more mature parent and knew what was important to fret about and by far, there are a lot fewer things that I worried about as an experienced parent than with my first baby. The whole family benefitted from having another baby because the older children had to learn patience and my attention was not so much focused on them and they had to learn how to share better.

Our family has also been through some pretty tough times – how did you find the strength to get through as a mother to two teenagers and one young child?

I had faith that all would be well in the end, and I had the support of other mothers and other groups that gave me comfort and strength. And I also had the determination and perseverance to follow through.

What has the most rewarding part about motherhood?

The most rewarding part of being a mother is to watch your children grow and develop their talents and gifts, help other people, and succeed in life. It’s rewarding to see them become good, kind human beings.

Did you ever question your abilities of being a mother?

All the time (*laughs hard*). And it’s the only job that’s the most important in your life that you really don’t go to college for or get a degree for. But the most important thing is to find support from other mothers. The collective wisdom of mothers is such important reinforcement.

Do you feel like you were able to maintain your individual identity, and if so, how?

I am a nurturing person, and because of that mothering was in my soul to have as part of my identity. Most people nowadays talk of having a career and maintaining their identity with the mother aspect of their life, but I never really thought of it that way. I think that life goes in cycles, so I had my career as a banker. I had children at the same time, and when it came time to devote more of my time to the family, I did. And when I had more time to devote to other aspects of my life volunteering or doing parent coaching certificate and practice, I did that. So, I never felt that mothering was taking away from my identity, I felt that it was enriching my identity. Once you’re a mother, you’re always a mother, whether your children are 1 or 50. But your relationship with them and your relationship with other aspects of your life change, whether that be physical time commitment or energy and focus. And that’s the natural part of personal growth.

Who inspires you the most?

Oh, sounds like a college interview. My mother is an amazing person, as everyone who knows her believes. As a couple months shy of 93, she is still wanting to learn new things and go to new places and is fiercely independent. Fortunately, she has excellent genes and is very healthy and active, so that bodes well for me and my children. But I do also get inspired by other women’s stories and I watch the Daily Goalcast.

What does Mother’s Day mean to you?

It is a day to celebrate all who have helped me to become a better mother. I think of every person who has encouraged me, guided me and loved me. I hope that everyone will adopt those mothers who have lost their children in recent shootings as their own and fill their lives with the love and joy that they deserve now and always.

Thank you, mom, for being a force of nature, both to help me thrive and for me to model in my own life as I have come of age. I feel so lucky to have you, and to learn from your intellect and love. I can always count on you to be there and help me through both the happiest and toughest of times.

- Caroline

Curated, edited and semi-written by Caroline Brockett.